Pairing: kris/lu han, xiumin/lu han
Summary: after the initial pain dissipates, all that's left in its place is the burning want for vengeance.
a/n: title from the song like a boy by ciara. the story itself is also based off it. this is what i get for listening to it hundreds of times in a row :| also i changed their ages so from oldest to youngest it's kris, lu han, and then minseok.
After the initial pain dissipates, all that's left in its place is the burning want for vengeance. Lu Han knows this feeling all too well. Tears having run dry months ago, Lu Han has no more left for Kris. He doesn't ache for Kris, he doesn't cry for Kris, he doesn't feel anything for Kris. That doesn't mean he has nothing left for him though, no. He still has everything Kris has ever given him. Lu Han doesn't like owing people though. He'll make sure that he returns everything to its rightful owner.
The sunlight that forces its way into Lu Han's skull when he cracks open an eye is too bright. He makes a noise of discontent and squeezes his eyes shut again, rolling in the mess of sheets until he's pressed up head to toe against his lover, skin on skin. Kris stirs lightly, eyebrows furrowing at being dragged out of sleep. Lu Han buries his face into the crook of the other's neck, intent on letting sleep overtake him again, but Kris seems to be surfacing into consciousness already, hands coming up to rub at his eyes.
“Lu Han?” Kris mumbles, voice deep and rough with drowsiness. Lu Han hums quietly and lifts his head up, a sleepy smile spreading across his features.
“Who else would it be?” Lu Han teases, but Kris mistakes the glint in his eye for something much less dangerous. Kris chuckles and pulls Lu Han up onto his stomach. The latter tries not to roll his eyes because how could someone as cautious and detail oriented be so fucking dumb? He doesn’t have a chance to speak though because Kris glances over at the clock and jumps, gently pushing Lu Han off himself as he slips out of bed.
“Where are you going?” Lu Han asks, pouting and not bothering to cover his bare body. Kris is already pulling on a pair of pants as he makes his way toward the bathroom.
“Sorry babe, I have to go.” The frown on Kris’ face looks genuinely apologetic and Lu Han wants to claw it right off. Sometimes he has dreams where he does. Then he wakes up alone in bed and laughs humorlessly to himself, the sound of his voice echoing off the walls just another reminder that he is indeed still alone at four in the morning.
“Work?” Lu Han questions in a small voice, slowly lying down on his side. Kris looks up from where he’s buttoning up a crisp, white shirt and blinks. He doesn’t catch how Lu Han’s eyes settle on him, challenging.
The bathroom door clicks shut by the bedside dresser and Lu Han rolls onto his back, bringing his hands up to lock behind his head. He smiles smugly at the bedroom ceiling.
The first time Lu Han leans into Kris’ hug and gets a lungful of headache inducing perfume in return, he jerks away with wide eyes. Kris looks down with questioning eyes but Lu Han simply shakes his head repeatedly like that’ll shake away the blooming panic in his chest, and smiles. The first time Lu Han finds a bruise-like mark on Kris’ hip that he knows he didn’t put there himself, he stops on his slow journey down Kris’ body and earns himself a confused and eager prod from the latter. However, always quick to catch on (the same way he caught on that Kris had been with some other person at some point or another in their relationship) Lu Han just nips at the stomach beneath him and looks up with sultry eyes. Kris just ends up chalking it up to more teasing. He knows how much Lu Han likes to work him up and stretch him thin until he’s on the brink of snapping before giving everything to him all at once. So he doesn’t see the way Lu Han worries his bottom lip before taking him into his mouth.
The first time Lu Han locks himself in the bathroom and lets tears spill over heaving sobs, he’s clutching a shirt in his hand with smudged lipstick stains on the collar and thinking about how fucking cliché the whole entire situation is before jumping to his feet and throwing the shirt into the sink. He washes the lipstick stains out with water, soap, and tears before slamming his way out of the bathroom and throwing the shirt back into the pile of dirty laundry. He takes two deep breaths, wipes his cheeks dry with the back of his hand, picks up the laundry basket, and makes his way towards the washing machine.
When Kris takes the shirt out of his closet the next morning, it’s clean as new and Lu Han is sitting on the bed behind him with bloodshot eyes.
The first time Kris ignores Lu Han’s phone calls repeatedly, the elder knocks over an expensive flower vase Kris’ mother had bought for the two of them when they moved in together. Kris comes home to Lu Han cleaning up the shards with tears streaming down his cheeks. He rushes over to Lu Han’s side, asks him what happened, if he’s okay, if he’s hurt, why he’s crying. Lu Han just apologizes over and over again, feeling stupid and much like throwing up because these words shouldn’t be coming out of his own mouth. Kris thinks the other is feeling sorry for “accidentally bumping into the vase” as Lu Han explains later, but as he’s knocked out on the bed later, Lu Han’s quickly drying come smeared over his abdomen, he doesn’t hear the whispers that Lu Han breathes into his ear, apologizing for loving him.
The last time Lu Han cries for Kris, he holds in his fingers the letter meant for Kris’ eyes, raises a lighter to the corner, and lights it up. He looks down at the envelope and sneers at the lack of a return address or any address at all. The person knows where they live. Where Lu Han lives. Where he lives with Kris. The person has been here before. He’s most likely stepped into the apartment before as well. That would explain the increased rate of disappearing food in the fridge. Lu Han growls. The person’s been in their apartment. The thought branches into a bunch of possibilities and probabilities that Lu Han can’t help but believe are true. He scoffs then, at how careless Kris has become over the years. The envelope doesn’t have an address. It has a name though, and that’s all Lu Han needs.
After the incident with Kris’ letter, Lu Han spends an entire day sitting in the middle of their shared bed, staring blankly at the opposite wall. He breaks out of his pensive state when Kris gets home around three in the morning.
“What are you doing up?” Kris asks, alarmed when he sees Lu Han sitting awake on their bed, still fully clothed. Lu Han simply turns and grins. He motions for Kris to come closer. All the lights are off except for the lamp by their bed and the dim light sets their bodies aglow. Lu Han lets Kris do the work that night, has the other work for it, work for Lu Han. With his thumb pressing into the slit at the head of Lu Han’s cock, Kris smirks at the way the other moans, arching off the bed. Lu Han doesn’t like to lose though, never did, and he slowly pulls himself up into sitting position before pushing Kris back into the bed, crawling into his lap and grinding down against him. He runs his fingers through Kris’ blonde hair and yanks until his lips are at Kris’ ear. He bites it, harder than necessary and then laughs softly.
“You want to play dirty? I can play dirty.”
Lu Han sucks his teeth after hanging up on the grainy voicemail recording for the fifth time in the past hour. He throws his phone in the general direction of their shared bed and sighs before setting his hands at his hips. He decides to do some snooping.
When finding more and more clues leading to the fact that your boyfriend is having an affair starts getting old, snooping around for the rest of the clues turns into something like a scavenger hunt. Unknowingly, Kris leaves around little things here and there in places like under the pillow, under the bed, in the pocket of his coat, in his cell phone, etcetera. Lu Han, with nothing else to do at home anyway, goes on half hearted searches for these little things. Sometimes he happens upon them by chance, like when he’s doing laundry and finds dried semen on Kris’ pants, and sometimes he finds them intentionally, like when he’s looking through Kris’ text messages while the other is showering.
Unlike Kris though, Lu Han is increasingly more careful about the fact that he contains all this knowledge. Aside from the time he burned that letter from Tao or whoever, he leaves everything exactly as he found it. After he pulls out a small post-it note with a time and place, he puts it back in the pocket where he finds it. It’s a shame that Kris doesn’t realize that in gaining Lu Han’s trust, he’s left his in the hands of Lu Han as well.
Lu Han takes a look at his vibrating phone and snorts when he sees Kris’ name flashing across the screen. He ignores it and puts it back into his pocket. Plus, it’s not like they would be able to hear each other on the phone with how loud the music is blasting in the club anyway. He slips off the barstool and saunters onto the dance floor, ignoring most of the eyes that turn his way. When he’s buried deep enough into the crowd, he lets himself go, hips swaying easily to the beat of the music, arms coming up from his sides and rising into the air. He doesn’t reject anyone who comes up to dance with him but he doesn’t really go around looking either.
The crowd parts suddenly, and Lu Han finds himself at the inner edge of the circle, looking in on an impromptu battle. One of the dancers catches his eye and grins, gums and teeth showing. Lu Han stares, wide eyed as the battle unfolds.
“Hey,” Lu Han hears a voice in his ear loud and clear despite the earth shaking music and he whips around to find the dancer from earlier behind him, hands nervously settling on Lu Han’s hips. Smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, Lu Han leans into the touch and lets the stranger move closer.
“What’s your name?” Lu Han asks, screams, over the music. His reaches down to rest his hand on the other man’s. He smiles when the fingers twitch in surprise.
“Minseok, you?” Lu Han looks back again to get a better look but decides to simply face the man instead, turning his body in Minseok’s arms. The guy is cute, shorter than him, cheeks round and stained pink. He leans closer, whether to help Minseok hear better or simply to be closer, he doesn’t know.
“Lu Han.” He pulls away to smile but the innocent, toothy grin Minseok flashes him makes his heart jump. He falters then, feeling like something heavy has fallen onto his chest, and feels intensely sorry. He feels sorry for Minseok, for himself, for having lost that pure innocence long ago. He feels sorry for not being able to return such a genuine smile. He feels sorry for knowing he’ll be using Minseok. He’s sorry for not being unselfish enough to let someone like Minseok go. He wants him. But he also wants to get back at Kris. At that moment though, he doesn’t know which one he wants more, only that he can’t have both without losing one.
“You’re older than me? That is insane!” Minseok laughs incredulously, leaning back in his chair in wonder. In a coffee shop during the day, the lighting is much better and Lu Han gets to see clearly the other’s handsome features. Minseok has cute eyes that disappear when he laughs and cheeks that make Lu Han want to pinch them.
“You look so young though… all this time I was sure I was older than you,” Minseok pouts and leans forward again, resting his elbows on the table. Lu Han shrugs, but he can’t help the smile on his face anyway. Minseok is cute and funny and also four years his junior. Lu Han’s had four more years with Kris to shed his innocence. He wonders in the future after he’s dumped Kris and by some miracle gotten a chance to be with Minseok, if the latter will begin to shed his innocence too. He wonders if he’ll be the one that has the honor of stripping it away piece by piece until there’s nothing left but the monster inside of him. The one that craves for Lu Han and takes. The one that wants and gets what it wants when it wants it. The one that has begun to ravage Lu Han in his dreams at night, leaving him hard when he wakes and resorting to jumping onto Kris’ still sleeping body and rutting against his thigh until he finally wakes up enough to help him.
Lu Han’s phone starts buzzing on the table and both of them turn toward it. He picks it up before Minseok can see the name on the screen. Not surprisingly, it’s Kris. He tucks the phone away.
“You’re not going to get it?” Minseok asks curiously, picking up his lukewarm coffee and taking a sip. Lu Han smiles when the younger man grimaces at the taste. He shakes his head.
“It’s not important.”
“Where were you?” Kris asks the moment Lu Han steps into the apartment. His shoes and jacket are still on and Kris is standing by the kitchen with his arms crossed expectantly. Lu Han just laughs it off, slipping first out of his shoes and then his jacket.
“I was out with some friends,” he explains, walking up to the scowling blonde. “Why, were you worried?” Lu Han looks up from beneath his lashes with a teasing grin before standing on his toes to press a kiss to his boyfriend’s lips.
“You could’ve at least picked up your phone,” Kris mutters, turning away into the kitchen to sulk. Lu Han snickers again and follows close behind so he can snake his arms around Kris’ waist.
“Aww, did you miss me?” Lu Han coos, fingers sneaking up the front of the taller man’s shirt. The shudder he gets for his actions is answer enough.
“No,” Kris sniffs in denial, arms still crossed.
“Let me make it up to you then,” Lu Han breathes across the back of Kris’ neck, before spinning the latter around and jumping onto him. Thankfully, Kris has fast reflexes and he reaches out to catch Lu Han in his arms, hands groping at the other’s ass. Lu Han giggles and wraps his legs around his hips, head diving down to kiss him hard. The soft sigh Kris lets out when Lu Han tongues his way into the other’s mouth means Lu Han has won once again. The smile he presses against Kris’ neck is triumphant. Lu Han never loses. Usually.
Kris curses when he accidentally backs into a wall, hitting the back of his head. He bites Lu Han’s tongue in the process and gets a vicious growl for it and then they’re stumbling out of the kitchen and into the living room where Lu Han pushes at Kris’ chest until they both fall onto the couch.
It’s all way too rushed, following the pace of Lu Han’s quick and shallow breathing. He’s straddling Kris’ waist, fingers fumbling shakily with the buttons of the other’s shirt before finally giving up and yanking the shirt open. Kris can’t even complain, also too riled up to give even the slightest damn about the state of his shirt. Never mind the fact that it’s new. Lu Han doesn’t care either anyway. He can’t care when the smooth expanse of Kris’ chest is just inviting him to lean down and take. So take he does and he scratches down Kris’ arms rougher than usual, dragging the shirt down the rest of the way. He leaves it at that though, liking the way Kris looks with his shirt off only half way, open and bunched up at his wrists and hips. He’s trapped too, Lu Han realizes, and the thought has his breath coming faster, hot against the elder’s subtle abs. Kris is arching into the rough heat of his tongue and Lu Han doesn’t feel like playing today.
Reaching underneath the couch cushion, Lu Han pulls out the lube they conveniently keep hidden and uncaps it. He spills most of it as he tries to coat his fingers and groans, distracted momentarily by the way Kris presses his still clothed erection up against him.
“Don’t stop,” Lu Han gasps, before he realizes he’s got the order all wrong and their pants are still on. “Fuck, I- shit,” he laughs breathlessly when he realizes his mistake and then attempts to unbutton and unzip the taller man’s jeans with slippery fingers.
“You’re- you’re a fucking idiot,” Kris laughs, moaning when Lu Han finally gets a hand around his cock. Lu Han jerks him off for a minute before growing impatient and reaching for the waistband of his own pants.
“Let me-“ Kris doesn’t finish his sentence, just tugs his hands free from his sleeves and swats Lu Han’s hands away, pushing the sweatpants down. Lu Han likes to be in control though, and he hisses, ignoring Kris and helping to remove his pants. He doesn’t bother with his shirt after he’s kicked of the sweats. He goes straight for the prize, fingers going to the ring of muscles waiting to be stretched. “Wait, Lu Han, lube,” Kris huffs, hands searching for the lube that Lu Han had dropped carelessly earlier.
“No, don’t need any more,” Lu Han groans, already pushing his finger in. He stretches himself sloppily, not really caring to patiently prepare himself. He pulls his fingers out after a few minutes and scrambles up Kris’ body, reaching behind him to find the latter’s erection.
“Wait, Lu Han, it’s going to hurt-“
“Shut the fuck up,” Lu Han groans, sinking slowly onto the hard cock. He swears under his breath because it does fucking hurt but he almost likes it. He hasn’t felt any kind of pain in too long and he’s starting to go numb. He needs this. He needs to hurt. And it needs to come from Kris, no one else. Lu Han whimpers, fingers reaching up blindly to tug at Kris’ hair. Kris groans at that, always the one who enjoyed the pain rather than Lu Han. But tonight is different and he thinks Kris can feel it too. There’s a tension in the air that neither of them can seem to get rid of and it feeds the fire in both of them.
Kris moves his hips a bit, swiveling slightly, and Lu Han breaks out into a moan at the feeling. He doesn’t wait for his body to adjust, just lifts himself and then slams.
“Fuck!” Kris bites out, hands going up to grab Lu Han’s hips and pull them closer. Something in the air breaks and suddenly, the tension turns into this eerie silence. It stays like that for a split second before the tension comes back tenfold and Kris is getting up, pulling up a confused Lu Han with him.
“What are you-“
“Shut the fuck up,” Kris orders, voice commanding, and Lu Han feels a pang in his chest at the slightly mocking tone in the other’s voice. The elder lifts Lu Han up and moves them to the bedroom where he throws him onto the bed before crawling after him. “I know what you’ve been doing,” Kris snarls, short fingernails digging into the skin at Lu Han’s hips and yanking him upward until they meet at the middle, Kris sliding in with little effort. The moan that leaves Lu Han’s lips is broken and desperate. His hips lift without his permission, coming up to meet each of Kris’ violent thrusts.
“I know you’ve been out playing around,” Kris growls, and Lu Han knows the former wants to sound mad, and he probably is, but his voice shakes just the slightest bit and Lu Han knows the other is hurting. Something like satisfaction blooms in his own chest and he moans again in response, hands coming up to pull Kris down until their mouths crash painfully. They push and pull at each other forcefully, mouthing angrily at each other until blood mixes with the saliva between their tongues. Kris bites down hard on Lu Han’s lip and the latter drags his nails down Kris’ back in retaliation.
Lu Han decides Kris has been on top of him long enough and shoves the other away. He forcefully pushes Kris into the bed and slams himself back down onto the dripping heat of Kris’ cock. He moans gratifyingly at the new angle. It’s become something like a fight. A battle for control and though this kind of rough sex isn’t really anything new, the feelings that trail behind it are different. Lu Han can’t decide whether he wants to suck bruises all over Kris’ neck and collarbone or Kris’ tongue back into his mouth as he bounces repeatedly, eagerly swallowing up all of Kris that he can. In a red a haze, he attempts to do conquer both and ends up making a mess of saliva over Kris’ neck and swollen lips.
Lu Han gasps suddenly, chest sticky with sweat when Kris thrusts up into him and manages to hit the spot that makes everything they’re doing feel so right. It makes all of the wrongs right and all of the mistakes forgotten, even if it’s just for a moment before it fades back into reality. He doesn’t need to say anything for the other to know and then it’s just a race to the finish from then on. Lu Han’s moans become high pitched and frequent with each upward thrust of Kris’ hips. Their breathing rapidly becomes heavy and uneven and Lu Han is pretty sure he’s torn a few scratches into the thin material of the bed sheets and Kris a few of his own into Lu Han’s thighs because he can feel something traveling down his legs. All of these thoughts disappear in a second though when Kris grabs at the round cheeks of his bottom and squeezes, yanking him down hard until Lu Han is practically sitting on him skin to skin. Then he’s screaming, painting white streaks over himself and Kris as his back arches, head thrown back in bliss. He clenches tight around Kris and that throws the other straight over and then he’s coming into Lu Han, filling him with wet heat.
It takes a long while for them both to gather their thoughts.
“Shit, I forgot a condom,” Lu Han groans, rolling onto his back, chest still heaving from exertion.
“Am I not enough?” Kris asks though, ignoring the fact that there is come dripping out from between Lu Han’s thighs and onto the sheets. Lu Han tries not to scoff at the complete and utter irony at Kris’ words. You are, Lu Han thinks bitterly, before turning on his side. You were.
He doesn’t answer.
The first time Lu Han fucks Minseok, it’s slow and careful, nothing like the way Lu Han had last had sex with Kris. After that, Lu Han didn’t go home for days, choosing instead to stay overnight at Minseok’s.
“I-I’m a virgin,” Minseok blurts out when Lu Han is halfway through snaking down Minseok’s body. Lu Han looks up and then smiles warmly, fingers gentle in their caress over the younger boy’s thighs.
“I’ll be gentle, promise.” Minseok nods nervously and smiles back.
Lu Han buries his face into the pillow later as he makes love to the one person who deserves to be loved wholly and honestly. He chokes out his half sobs into the soft fabric of the pillow casing and later blames the wetness on his sweat. Minseok just smiles and nods, kisses him chastely over and over again until he has Lu Han pressed into the bed, swallowing all of the love that he doesn’t deserve.
“Lu Han…” Kris can’t bring his voice anywhere above a whisper. He stands frozen at the door, rainwater still dripping from the tips of his hair and jacket. Lu Han sits calmly on the arm of the couch, luggage packed so full it’s seconds from bursting. The apartment looks significantly emptier without all the little things Lu Han leaves around simply to take up space and make it look like his.
“Lu Han, what’s going on?” Kris steps into the apartment, dripping clothes and muddy shoes forgotten.
“What do you think is going on?” Lu Han says flatly, arms crossed. “I just figured I should say goodbye first.”
“But… why?” Kris asks, and Lu Han laughs emptily because he can see the fear in Kris’ eyes, the panic and the realization and the guilt all mashed up in a lump in his throat.
“Why don’t you ask yourself?” Lu Han hisses, pulling out a white envelope and slapping it onto the coffee table. He stands up and walks over to his suitcases where Kris is standing. “How did it feel? I’m just curious.” He smiles when Kris swallows, eyebrows coming together.
“How did it feel when I ignored all your calls and stayed overnight in someone else’s home? How did it feel to know I was fucking somebody other than you? Did it hurt? Did you cry?” Lu Han pauses, eyes glancing down at the way Kris’ jaw clenches before flicking his gaze back up. “It hurt didn’t it?” He asks softly, stepping away to bite his lip and look down. “It must’ve.” He grabs the handles from each of his suitcases and pulls them to the door.
“Because it wouldn’t be fair if I was the only one hurting,” Lu Han says, and Kris follows the younger man’s gaze to the envelope lying on the table. Kris doesn’t speak, just watches silently as Lu Han opens the door and slips out like he was never there in the first place. When the sound of the luggage rolling down the hall fades to silence, Kris walks slowly toward the coffee table and picks up the envelope with trembling fingers. He flips it over and lets out a breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding. Tao.
When he opens the envelope, however, it’s empty.
p.s.: idk. forgive me. the porn was less than satisfactory but i wasn't in the mood to fix it since i wrote almost all of this yesterday in one go orz now i kind of just want to get rid of it